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Let's See If I Can Sneak This By

March 11th, 2009 (01:06 am)

current location: San Francisco, CA
current mood: *sigh*
current song: "Satellites" - Dave Matthews Band

What's most interesting is that as I get older, the feelings I associate with being in a "bad place" become less and less easy to articulate. It used to be that I would be purposefully cryptic in order to let people know that I was anxious/depressed without having to go into the sinful details of what's causing it.

Irony of ironies, I'm now at an interesting point in my life where the very idea of being mentally out of balance has become the source of my anxiety and depression.

A mental hypochondriac, if you will.

Things, in a nutshell, haven't felt right. A nagging sense of being depressed lingers in my head daily. Usually I can ignore it and have it become mundane in the scope of my hectic lifestyle. However, there are times when it rears up and I'm overtaken by this profound sadness. And with this sadness comes the anxiety. The two basically feed off of each-other.

I worry that I'll never feel "okay" again. Its these concepts of being mentally "healthy" that have begun to spiral through my brain. I find myself contrasting and comparing how I presently feel with how I felt in the past, and there seems to be a large discrepancy. Was I truly more content a year ago? Or have I idealized the past to make myself feel worse about the present?

When I step back, I seem to be living in a perpetual fog. The only two explanations are A) I'm clinically depressed, or B) my fear of being clinically depressed makes me go through the feelings of actually being depressed.

With me so far? That makes one of us.

I take the medications in an effort to stay stable. Without them, I fear I am nothing but an incoherent anxious mess, unable to come to any reasonable conclusions because I'm too busy contemplating my irrational fear.

To be numb or fearful? That's the question.

This too shall pass.


Posted by: jenelle (dearxambell1na)
Posted at: March 12th, 2009 03:23 am (UTC)

i doubt that you'll even see this comment, but its quite amazing to hear from you, in one form or another. miss & love you lots. <3

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